deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 459 bytes
more ▶

More from *EMort

Featured in Groups:

Details

January 12, 2010
459 bytes
Link
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 20
Favourites: 20 [who?]

Views: 629 (0 today)
Downloads: 7 (0 today)
[x]
You ask me questions;
Perfect words, with cruel intent,
Sent to make me blush.
But I return to sender.

We laugh, we to and fro
and sit in quiet moments,
with our fingers interlaced.

And just before you flush with awkwardness,
and your pale skin betrays all;
You lean in and blind me,
With your supple lip.
:iconemort:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

This is something I wrote, not so long ago, when the words were just rolling of the nib of my pen.

Really I'd like to know what you guys think about the ending, I'm not sure about whether or not it's too abrupt. And if you can think of a better title suggestions are welcome h_h.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconinnocencedied2nite:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:
I actually really liked this. The flow is good and has a nice rhythm. However, I felt it kinda fell flat at the end. The last stanzas didn't match the rest of the poem, and I found myself caught off guard. You talk about cruel intent, and that made me think of some sort of a psychological game being played between the two, especially when it came to "return to sender"

And that worked through the second verses as well. But in the third, it ends sweetly, and kinda broke the flow for me. :shrug: It's a good poem, just unexpected to me.

Either way, keep up the good work. You have a nice talent here.
Reply
:iconemort:
Most me my recent poems have kind of focused on key moments in relationships. This particular one has that ending because that is how it ended. It was all cruel but fun flirtation until it ended. Think me it as a metaphor in structure
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
~IndigoSkyes Jan 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

This is so sweet! I really like it. The ending is good. "Supple lip" is awesome. Great job!
Reply
:iconemort:
thankyou h_h
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
~IndigoSkyes Feb 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconavocado-ago-go:
!Avocado-AGO-GO Jan 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Must. Stop. Staring. At. ICON!

I want to hug it SO BAD.

*ahem!* Moving on.

I like the idea of 'Return to Sender' as a title also! I also think the ending end where it should. If you get what I mean. I don't feel it could have ended on any other note.

Also, I LOVE the first stanza!! Was the count on purpose? If not, DUDE. :la:

If you did NOT notice, you have a count of 5,7,5,7. In other words, a spot on rhythm! :clap:

That said, your rhythm wavers a bit during the third stanza. Not because you change it, per say. But the first line is a little to long. That said though, changing it would probably loose something. Gah!

Ehh, I tried to be helpful. But I DO love this! It's so sweet!

And goddammit that pikachu is way to cute!!
Reply
:iconemort:
Lol ^^ thank you very much and yes I did that completely by accident h_h I have the proof (a small scrap of paper with scrawling handwriting) I didn't even realise till you told me. Return to sender was something I considered when i put this up but I wasn't sure whether it was a bit cliche having the title in the poem hmmmm.....requires further sleeping on :D...

P.S. If you see this pikachu with out my name underneath could you message me....I really want to thatnk the person I stoles it off so long ago...
Reply
:iconavocado-ago-go:
!Avocado-AGO-GO Jan 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
lol will do if I see it!
Reply
:iconthexdarkestxmoment:
=ThexDarkestxMoment Jan 20, 2010  Student Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I think this is a very nice, short poem.

Structure wise, I would add one line to the middle part so that each of the thingies (for lack of a better word) are quadruplets.

Content wise, I like it, and I didn't find anything wrong with the ending; I thought it fit nicely, at least how I interpreted the poem.

I do however agree with the title not exactly fitting. I personally would make it have to do with postal services, like "Return to Sender" or something. I don't know, I am not the best at naming poetry, but I try.

Good job!
Reply
:iconemort:
Thank you!(the word you were looking for is stanza :D) I'm waiting for a chance to edit h_h I've got way to much graphic design work but will think about what you sed. Know what you mean about naming poetry, most of the time when I write these, they're just as they come, so I always struggle to find something that fits "Signs and Symbols" was just something I chose spur of the moment to put for the DA form :)
Reply
Add a Comment: